Category Archives: Uncategorized

How long it would take for my class to notice the Parkinson’s? Just in case, I prepared a cover story. Recently bitten on the finger by a radioactive trifle in a freak Ocado delivery (Dr Death in Bile Blueberry van), I now periodically become JellyWoman; special powers sliding under doors. The tremor means that might be happening soon, so you need to be paying extra special attention.

Less credulous mates were curious about this unexpected turn of events. So for them, I started writing this blog back in October 2012. Many of the early blogs are about the diagnosis and its fall-out. After that – well, life really….

Anyway, welcome to the Jelly Chronicles.

304. Street Art for Beginners…

If it’s true that we are but toys for the Gods, then my sister-in-law is definitely their Etch-a-Sketch.

I guess you could say that it all started with the Golden Giraffe. 

Tasteful, or what?  One of my brother-in-law’s finest creations: essence of plastic giraffe, with an artisanal wooden mount and golden overtones. Such simple beginnings; such magnificent results. 

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301. Those WhatsApp days…

The best time of day is just after waking: sun streaming through the curtains, birds dawn-chorusing and me, eyes closed, pretending that none of this is happening. Nothing to see here; move along please. My sleep tipped me into Day of the Triffids, perhaps, or A Midsummer Night’s Dream. and shortly Puck will come and restore amends.

Just before I turn in at night can be a bit grim. I tend anyway to late-night fretting when over-tired and, let’s face it, there’s no shortage of source material. Eventually I wrench myself away from the news and go to sleep listening to Radio 4 comedy. At the moment, I’m mostly mainlining P.G. Wodehouse and John Finnemore.

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297: Played by men with funny shaped balls …

DearHeart: Oh, they’ve got a penalty kick
Me: *watches ball sail between the sticks
DH: that puts them ahead
Me: *watches score go from 25:23 to 25:24 to 25: 26 to 25:27 to…
Me: But their score is just going up and up and up……
DH: I think you’re looking at the time.

I have so got a grasp of this game.

295. You’ve got your traboules, I’ve got mine…

“So, are any of you English?” asks Annaliese. There are a couple of dozen takers for the English Language tour of Lyon’s Old Town but we’re a pretty cosmopolitan lot. ActorLaddie and I mumble a bit. I suspect we’re not about to be congratulated on our Good Governance.

“I’ve been reading the news,” says Annaliese. “About Boris Johnson.” Everyone chortles – apart from us. Then the tour begins.

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292. Will these bricks ne’er be clean?

Oh what a beautiful morning! We’re forecast for 33° later today – gorgeous drying weather; so the soundscape of birdsong and imaginary church bells (it’s Sunday) is currently overlaid by the romantic clunk of a pillowcase-worth of Lego churning away in the washing machine.  (Other brands of construction bricks are available.)

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288. Passing it on…

Grannie Chapman could neither read nor write, Pa tells me, so she signed her name with an X.  But around Industry Terrace and Beehive Place in Brixton, it was, often as not, Grannie Chapman who saw people into the world, if you didn’t want to bother the midwife or incur the expense of a doctor.

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285 #TomsVision

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realised that I’d been tactless. The last thing Tom needed, being, as he was, in the grip of dyskinesia (linked to Parkinson’s drugs; makes you move uncontrollably; just awful) and also having a conference-ful of important people to talk with; I’m sure the very last thing he needed was for some fool of a woman asking for his autograph on her copy of his book.

But Tom Isaacs had been a hero of mine, ever since I’d read “Shake Well Before Use” a couple of months earlier, and it was the first time I’d met him, and he couldn’t have been more warm and welcoming. Basically, I was starstruck. Still am, really. He even apologised for the writing being shaky! Him. Apologising to me. Good grief.

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284. Would you Adam and Eve it?

“So Frank says to me, ‘say something in Cockney,’ so I say ‘apples and pears’ and he says, ‘what does that mean?’ and I say ‘stairs. It means stairs.’ So he laughs and says ‘tell me another’ and I say ‘nice whistle and flute’ and I tell him that means ‘suit’. ‘How about that, Lillian?’ he says to his missus, only she don’t hear ’cause she’s a bit mutton.

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Who would have thought

the beer bottle had so much glass in it?

#whoops #StupidWoman #Ma’sKitchenNowSmellsLikeBrewery #CrunchyGlassEverywhere #SuchFun