Category Archives: Health Service

315. With thanks…

“And then this old bloke said, ‘I’m gonna call 999! If you don’t come and help me now, I’m gonna call 999.’ And the nurse – well, I think it was a nurse – one of the staff, anyway – told him he couldn’t call 999 from an A&E department. What did he think was going to happen?  An ambulance crew is not going to come and treat him in A&E.”

“What was wrong with him?” I ask.

“Something to do with his leg, I think,” says ActorLaddie.  “He had a sort of boot thing on it. Anyway, he then kind of grabbed at a passing doctor and said ‘I’ve been waiting for hours – why can’t you look at my leg?’  And the doctor stopped for a second, looked at the chap and said ‘because I have a patient who is dying.’  That shut him up for a bit.  

“I wanted to say to him, be grateful that you are waiting in a wonderful hospital with amazing staff and resources none of which are going to charge you a penny. But I didn’t have the energy.  I did think it, though, really, really loudly.”

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314. For your eyes only…

Please don’t be shocked but, despite my alias, I’m not actually a fully-trained super-villain. 

Nevertheless, I do have some advice for Mr Blofeld and the apparent myriad of optically-challenged hench-people currently battling James Bond in local picture houses.

Mate, change your ophthalmologist.

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308. Ending in tiers

“There were so many old people!” says Ma. 

Well, yes. A vaccination centre for the over 80s is likely to contain folk of a certain vintage – and all a jolly sight wiser, for sure, than the idiots who have spray-painted ‘Covid hoax’ and the like onto the walls of said centre and of our local station.

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284. Would you Adam and Eve it?

“So Frank says to me, ‘say something in Cockney,’ so I say ‘apples and pears’ and he says, ‘what does that mean?’ and I say ‘stairs. It means stairs.’ So he laughs and says ‘tell me another’ and I say ‘nice whistle and flute’ and I tell him that means ‘suit’. ‘How about that, Lillian?’ he says to his missus, only she don’t hear ’cause she’s a bit mutton.

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189. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it…

Are you sitting comfortably?  Then I’ll begin.

Once there was a beautiful princess who worked in an enchanted little hospital.  This hospital was run by three Fairies: a Head Nurse Fairy who looked after the nurses, a Head Doctor Fairy who looked after the doctors and a kindly Administrator Fairy who looked after everyone else, including the princess.

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