Category Archives: Family

316. For the love of oranges …

“The thing is,” says Pa, “every now and then, Sainsbury’s have an offer on chocolate oranges.  Three for the price of two, that sort of thing.  So…”  He waves a hand in the general direction of the bed and shrugs. 

The bed in the box-room at Ma and Pa’s house is stacked with an assortment of what I guess supermarkets would call ‘stocking fillers’. Post-it notes, socks, sherbert lemons, scented candles, tins of gin, chocolate raisins, pens, home-made Ma-malade and chocolate oranges. Many, many chocolate oranges.  All the chocolate oranges, in fact.

ActorLaddie’s nephew, Alan-in-Australia, when he phoned to give his condolences, mentioned that he’d had a fancy for a chocolate orange the other day but none were to be found anywhere in Sydney. That’s how many chocolate oranges are in the box-room.

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315. With thanks…

“And then this old bloke said, ‘I’m gonna call 999! If you don’t come and help me now, I’m gonna call 999.’ And the nurse – well, I think it was a nurse – one of the staff, anyway – told him he couldn’t call 999 from an A&E department. What did he think was going to happen?  An ambulance crew is not going to come and treat him in A&E.”

“What was wrong with him?” I ask.

“Something to do with his leg, I think,” says ActorLaddie.  “He had a sort of boot thing on it. Anyway, he then kind of grabbed at a passing doctor and said ‘I’ve been waiting for hours – why can’t you look at my leg?’  And the doctor stopped for a second, looked at the chap and said ‘because I have a patient who is dying.’  That shut him up for a bit.  

“I wanted to say to him, be grateful that you are waiting in a wonderful hospital with amazing staff and resources none of which are going to charge you a penny. But I didn’t have the energy.  I did think it, though, really, really loudly.”

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311. Hue and Cry…

Dedicated with thanks to Matt, Claire and Lorraine

It being a really busy road – well, you know what Cockfosters is like at the best of times and today it’s pouring down – we were lucky to find a parking space so easily.  “If you take her straight into the vets, I’ll sort out the parking meter,” I say. 

So ActorLaddie sets off with Willow in the cat-carrier – heck, that’s seen better days. The carrier, that is, not Willow, who has been remarkably trouble-free in her sixteen years.  So far.

The parking meter takes me a wee while to figure out.  You have to feed it with these metal disk things called coins; they have a certain novelty value but I don’t see them catching on.  Ticket in car, check.  Car locked, check. Mask on, check.  And off to the vets.

“I’m with the chap who has just come in with a cat,” I tell the receptionist.

“No-one’s come in with a cat,” she says to me.  “We’re expecting Willow but no-one’s come in.”  I go back out, look up and down the parade of shops but there’s no sign of a cat in a carrier with an elderly actor that’s seen better days.  There is a sign for another vets down at the far end of the parade of shops.  Could he have headed down there, by mistake?  I ring his mobile and, eventually …

“Willow’s escaped from the carrier,” gasps ActorLaddie.  “She went under a stationary lorry, run across the Cockfosters Road and down some side street.  We’re trying to find her.” 

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310. Where there’s a will…

I’m bored of Parkinson’s. Let’s talk about something else.

Perhaps she was disorientated by being on the first floor.  They hadn’t been long in the rented accommodation where Harriet Neate was now living with her son Harry, his wife Millie and their children Violet (nearly eight) and Arthur (a toddler).  For most of her life, she’d lived in the ground floor accommodation attached to the Beer Shop which was the family business.  Perhaps she’d got up in the night and lost track of where she was.  For whatever reason, in April 1934, at the age of seventy four, Harriet fell down the stairs and died.  The timing could hardly have been worse.

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308. Ending in tiers

“There were so many old people!” says Ma. 

Well, yes. A vaccination centre for the over 80s is likely to contain folk of a certain vintage – and all a jolly sight wiser, for sure, than the idiots who have spray-painted ‘Covid hoax’ and the like onto the walls of said centre and of our local station.

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304. Street Art for Beginners…

If it’s true that we are but toys for the Gods, then my sister-in-law is definitely their Etch-a-Sketch.

I guess you could say that it all started with the Golden Giraffe. 

Tasteful, or what?  One of my brother-in-law’s finest creations: essence of plastic giraffe, with an artisanal wooden mount and golden overtones. Such simple beginnings; such magnificent results. 

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303. Warriors in Lock-Down

Right now – Boxing. 

Alex holds up to the camera a notebook on which he has written the word ‘Boxing’.

Two forward, two crosses, two up.  And I’m looking for eight out of ten from you. I want to see eight out of ten for effort. Ready?

Ready, I say. Though as we’re all Muted, only the cat hears and she’s too polite to listen. The bell rings and we’re off, PD Warriors together, bashing the hell out of thin air, at a rate of eight out of ten for effort.

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288. Passing it on…

Grannie Chapman could neither read nor write, Pa tells me, so she signed her name with an X.  But around Industry Terrace and Beehive Place in Brixton, it was, often as not, Grannie Chapman who saw people into the world, if you didn’t want to bother the midwife or incur the expense of a doctor.

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284. Would you Adam and Eve it?

“So Frank says to me, ‘say something in Cockney,’ so I say ‘apples and pears’ and he says, ‘what does that mean?’ and I say ‘stairs. It means stairs.’ So he laughs and says ‘tell me another’ and I say ‘nice whistle and flute’ and I tell him that means ‘suit’. ‘How about that, Lillian?’ he says to his missus, only she don’t hear ’cause she’s a bit mutton.

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240. They go up diddley-up up; they go down diddley down down…

Pick us, Miss, pick us! Look how neatly we have lidded our marker pens! And see our flip-chart of ideas – a thing of beauty, too, in many colours, to which we all contributed collaboratively, working as a team…

Apart, that is, for the cow who teaches at – well, you know the one. Her anyway. Didn’t want to come on the course in the first place.  Thought ‘Schemas in the Under Sevens’ was going to be about curriculum plans and not fannying around with a load of bricks. The only thing that’s stopping her playing with a mobile phone is that they’ve not yet been invented.  We’d be better off teaching six year olds to name parts of speech, according to her.  What a dinosaur!

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