Please don’t be shocked but, despite my alias, I’m not actually a fully-trained super-villain.
Nevertheless, I do have some advice for Mr Blofeld and the apparent myriad of optically-challenged hench-people currently battling James Bond in local picture houses.
Mate, change your ophthalmologist.Continue reading →
“There were so many old people!” says Ma.
Well, yes. A vaccination centre for the over 80s is likely to contain folk of a certain vintage – and all a jolly sight wiser, for sure, than the idiots who have spray-painted ‘Covid hoax’ and the like onto the walls of said centre and of our local station.Continue reading →
“I dinnae ken what they’re doing,” says Josie.
“Ay, they’ve got it wrong,” agrees Jim. “We should go straight ahead here.”
The hearse is about four cars in front of us, just about to turn right at a road-sign saying Cemetery. In truth, I can’t help feeling that our best move is to follow. But what do I know? I’ve never been to Fife whereas Josie and Jim – BraveHeart’s siblings – grew up here.
Can you hear me, mother? Have to keep the noise down: I find myself at the centre of a supersize game of Sardines. If anyone else twigs that we’re here and tries to join us, the density levels may prove fatal.
Where do we start?
With the clothes, I think. Mrs Jones is propped up on the edge of her bed, by the wardrobe.
“Let’s imagine that you’re going to a hotel for three weeks,” I suggest. “We’ll pack for that to start with. Then I can always bring you up more stuff. Or bring you home to choose more – um – stuff.”
“I don’t see myself coming back,” says Mrs Jones.
“I know this is a difficult question,” says LovelyFuneralDirector, “but have you thought about what you want to do with the ashes?”
She is a woman, by the way, this LovelyFuneralDirector. All three of the funeral directors we’ve met are women. As are both registrars, the minister and the train driver on the Yorkshire to London Express. Sisters are doing it for themselves. We just need one of us to find a cure for cancer and we’ll be well away.
“So there we were, scrabbling around on the cell floor in front of the Naked Rambler, trying to pick up the papers and desperately trying not to look up and not to laugh…”
It broadens the mind does travel, and going away last weekend to celebrate a school-friend’s sixtieth brought us into contact with interesting people who had interesting stories to tell and different – shall we say – viewpoints.
It is a truth almost universally acknowledged that babies are a lot more fun when you’ve had a night’s sleep.
I’m yawning here just at the thought of those hours spent rocking the buggy, singing “my old man’s a dustman” to the tune of “girl from Ipanema.” Driving round the block in the early hours, hoping in vain that there won’t be cries as soon as the engine’s turned off. Arriving at work on autopilot only to discover that not only is YoungLochinvar still in his child seat (forgotten to drop him off at Ma’s) but also that, in the early morning rush, I’ve failed to shut the front door (concerned neighbour, police visit). How does anyone survive early parenthood? Nightmare.
Talking of which, this response has flooded in following my last blog. What a genius way to deal with cold callers!
“My brother … would greet them with the message ‘we are experiencing a very high volume of enquiries today but your call is important to us. Please hold the line’ and then follow up by playing Wagner until they lost the will to live.”
“We quickly realised that we were working with a retreating, not a fighting army. There were so many casualties – we operated for nine hours continuously until the Japanese were within minutes of our position. It was hectic. Those who hadn’t survived had to be buried. We had to wash down, clear up, repack and reload, and then move on as quickly as we could before the Japanese caught up with us. Then we’d start all over again.
“There were men who were so badly injured that they were going to die. What could we do for them? There was no way that we could leave them for the Japanese to bayonet. It was a terrible dilemma.”