Gavin and Stace?!
Gavin and Stace?!
You’ve never seen Gavin and Stace?!
:-O

What’s with the disbelieving face?
I’ve never seen Gavin and Stace.
Yes, that’s the truth.
Yes, that’s for real.
Somehow the show just don’t appeal
(Doesn’t. Sorry.)

Look, let me lend you our box set
It’d make you laugh, I bet.
Go on, try the DVD.
Series One to Series Three.
(And the Christmas Special).

I would not like it on TV.
I would not like the DVD.
It’s not my kind of thing, what’s more.
Leave me alone with Radio Four

I’ve got it on Netflix, I think
I could find it in a wink.
Use my account and you will see
There’s naught as sweet as Our Stacey

Though grateful for the offer, Sis,
I think I’ll give Netflix a miss.
I would not like it on TV.
I would not like the DVD.
It’s not the kind of thing I’d love.
I do not think I’d like it, Bruv,

I’ve some downloaded on my box
We could watch it in our socks.

Why would we watch it in our socks?!
For goodness sake, switch off your box!
And grab me something from the fridge
While I re-watch last Friday’s Bridge.
And can you stop your cat from purring?
I need to work out what’s occurring.
(Tak. Is that the guy whose daughter’s afraid of clowns?)

On catch-up! Use your Fire Stick!
Come here, I’ll show you where to click!

For pity’s sake, let me alone!
Take your shopping; get you home!
Take this carrier as well –
What is that amazing smell?
Oh. Lush.

On your phone! I’ve got an app!
Here, let’s rest it on your lap.

Not on my phone.  Not on your app.
Take your tablet off my lap.
Not catch-up and not fire-stick.
Don’t dare to tell me where to click!
Not Netflix and not even Prime.
I’ve not the will.  I’ve not the time.
Not on TV. Not DVD.
Take your box set and let me be!
And watch your cat! She’s got my mouse!
I can’t bear mess; I like my house
Tidy.

It’s on Gold!  Do you get Gold?
Blimey your TV is old.

I don’t have Gold.  I won’t have Sky.
Can’t stand Murdoch, I won’t lie.
The set is old but far or nearer
You won’t find a picture clearer.
Crystal.

But you’ll love Ness!  And Uncle Bryn!
And Pam and Mick will draw you in.
(Careful there – don’t squash the cat)
And Smithy looks so young and well-built.
You don’t like Gav and Stace, you say
Try them! Try them! And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.
Just try one then send me packin’
If you don’t find the writing crackin’.

Right! If you let me be,
I’ll try just one from Series Three
(As Series One doesn’t rhyme.)

***

I might have liked that, just a bit.
I didn’t hate it, I’ll admit.
I did love Ness.  And Uncle Bryn
And Pam and Mick did draw me in.
And Stace is sweet, though immature
And Gav’s a nice bloke, that’s for sure.
And I would watch it on an app
Or on a tablet on my lap
Or from a tape or DVD
Or Netflix, Prime or Gold TV
Or Catch-Up on my Fire Stick
If I can work out where to click.
The writing’s crackin’, as you said,
Time for one more? Or time for bed?
See yourself out.  Please lock the door;
Just leave the box set on the floor.